Shades of Gray

Tonight, it happened again. Amazing, right? Literally all I asked was just to go one day without any type of family drama surrounding me, and I got that one day. Yesterday, it was quiet. No yelling, no threatening, just complete chill time. It was Thursday, and Thursdays are always relatively pleasant in this household. Well today, all of that chill time completely blew up in my face. Tonight at 'church', in the midst of laughter between me and the people I was sitting around (as I was trying to chorale them), my aunt (who is apparently big and bad) turns around and blows up at me. I was a little shocked that she actually physically turned around and did so. Granted, it was a church service or whatever, I find that irrelevant. I was accused of getting an attitude, but I really wanted to say was so far beyond getting an "attitude." Truth be told, I might have been struck down in the church.

My status as a "saint" literally diminishes more and more every time I step into that sanctuary.  Forget that it's freaking Friday night and I'd rather be out partying or hanging with friends. I don't enjoy going to church anymore, period. The moment I get there I'm looking at the clock every five minutes, messing with my phone, or reading a book that's NOT the bible. It's not that I don't respect my religion and what I've grown up on, I do--though it may seem otherwise with me laughing during testimony service (despite the fact that I'm NEVER the only one). I don't like being forced to do anything. I used to be able to suppress that fact, but it's physically impossible for me to do so now. According to my grandma, I've gone to college and forgotten where I've come from. If college has done anything for me, it's made me bold and it's given me confidence. Believe me, when I say that it took every bit of humility and meekness to not say to my aunt what was burning the side of my vocal chords to say.

What makes everything crazy is that, sure I drink, I party, and I frequent in cursing like a sailor, but does that make me a sinner? I still pray, I know the bible like the back of my hand, I try to be a generally good person. Everything is so black and white when it comes to my family. Either you're believer or a sinner, and either you're saved or not. It annoys me to no end because I don't see just black and white anymore. I see shades of  gray, many of them. Some darker than others. I don't think someone can consider themselves a saint while belittling people who are of a different religion and telling them that what they believe is wrong. Or degrading people who are different then them for whatever reason--there's nothing religious about that.

It's 2:43 a.m., on New Years Eve. It's bittersweet to say goodbye to 2011 because it was such a great year. There were a few things that weren't that great this year, a few rough spots that if I could go back in time, I'd definitely do things differently. For the most part, I don't have any regrets from 2011, and I'm expecting great things in 2012. Do I have a new year's resolution? Of course! Doesn't everybody? I have a few, none of which I will say out loud but they are all doable and I will make them happen. I'm ready for 2012.