This past summer, before school, I found myself in many different stages. I found myself being confronted by a Jessica that I once knew. A Jessica that crept up on me and practically took over my very being. I became obsessive and it was scary. It wasn't me. I'd never admit this reasoning out loud. He was a senior at Notre Dame, my freshman year at Saint Mary's College. Notre Dame: The home of the Fighting Irish. A school of tradition and Catholicism. America's #1 Undergraduate school for business. If you have any inking of what I'm referring to, then this next reference will make no sense to you. Matt was anything but a Business student. In fact, he was the exact opposite. However, he was exactly the type of guy you would expect to go to a school like Notre Dame, and I fell for him. I fell hard.
My freshman year was the way it was partially because of him. It was spectacular and at the same time it was dramatic. Through it all, he and I managed to stay friends [on campus]. The second he left for good, it seemed, was when it all fell apart. I had this notion in my head that we'd be friends forever. That's not how it worked out. As of now, right at this very moment... he will NOT speak to me. I thought leaving what was or what could have been from last year would be the hardest thing I'd ever have to do. That summer (last summer) it was. I still remember the last cordial conversation I shared with him. It was on the phone after his graduation. He was set to head back home where he was from. I blame myself for what happened. I am to blame for him completely dis-communicating himself from me, but I never thought it would get this point.
It's been seven months since I last spoke to him. I've gone from being in a depressive state because I missed him so much, to flat out pissed off for God knows what reason, to being in a state of not caring and/ or disbelief after a whirlwind psychological romance with I guy I met this year, and now I'm back to that "I miss him" stage. I visited his Facebook page for the first time in a while and really looked at everything. I just kept thinking the same thing to myself. I thought it would have been impossible to be just friends with him, especially then. But now after having gone without, I wish I had thought otherwise.
I actually saw him recently. I didn't say anything to him. I told a ton people that it was his fault, that we didn't acknowledge each other's presence. Well that wouldn't be the first time I lied. Truth of the matter is, it was his fault but it was also mine. I caught eyes with him in the midst of greeting another friend of mine. In that moment, had it been any other time or any other person, it wouldn't have meant anything. Unfortunately, It wasn't just anyone. It was the one person I had been dying to see. There he was less than 10 feet away, but I avoided him at all cost, said my goodbyes and left. No doubt, I regretted it. I kept thinking to myself, I'd die for his friendship right now.
I've had this conversation with a friend of mine. She had been dealing with a non-reciprocation of some pretty strong feelings with a friend of her's. She always said, "Oh well, I'd rather be his friend then nothing at all." At the time, that meant nothing to me. But now as I'm sitting in my room looking at old pictures of me and him, I just keep thinking to myself, "I want my friend back." I asked a question that was mostly hypothetical when I first made this blog. Is there a such thing as moving on, or do we all just go numb from the pain after a while? I feel like, this entire semester, I've been numb to anything regarding him, and now that numbness is starting to fade.
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