A Vacation Like No Other

I've mulled over what and what not to post about in the past couple of weeks because as much as I say my life is an open book to help someone else, there are just some things you don't post in a public, online blog regarding your personal life no matter how "blog-worthy" said event may be. However, there is one thing. After all, we all love a good romance.I spent the night, on the living room couch watching love stories. It started off funny and innocent with various Disney movies and "Guess Who" but then it grew a little more real with "Dear John" and "The Notebook," some of Nicholas Sparks' best sellers.

He's such a hopeless romantic, it's absolutely adorable. Each and every movie brought me to tears (even if it was the tears once gets from laughing too hard). It's a beautiful thing, to see two people fall in love with each other and it always happens fast. But then life and reality hits and all of sudden they have to deal with families, school, and war. And suddenly, it's not so simple anymore. Yet the entire time, us the audience members are just rooting for them to work it out and be together.The lovers in the love stories just seemed so pure and innocent, even naive at times. They have absolutely NO CLUE what they're getting themselves into. You can't but smile! Partially because it's just so darn cute, but also because if you're lucky to have found that special someone you can relate, even reminisce. 

As for me, I unfortunately am not lucky. I'm not innocent and I haven't found that special someone. I'm just your modern, every day, crusher--always crushing on someone. I sat here and watched "The Notebook" and I just kept thinking to myself, "That's not real life. No one falls in love that fast." The truth of the matter is, I wouldn't know because I've never been in love before. In my short 21 years of life, I've experienced a lot and I've dealt with a lot. In a past relationship, I may have grown to love that person--how can you be around a person that much for that long and not form some type of feelings for them? But loving someone and being in love with someone are two different things. 

I almost find myself incapable of love. I used to hate the world, much like I hated anything romantic. I used to think to myself, "who on earth unrelated to me, could ever love me? I'm not attractive, nor am I talented. Just a great mass of human flesh. What's there to love?" Call it what you want: depression, low self-esteem, denial; but that is legitimately how I felt. I told my grandma that I'll probably end up marrying for the security of being in a marriage rather than love. That couldn't be more untrue. I want passion. Strong, hot, raw passion. It's a little cliche, I realize. 

I went on a mancation (better known as a vacation from men) because I saw myself falling into the same cycle I always end up in with the men I come across; I meet them, I befriend them, I fall for them, then I become obsessed all the while going back and forth with said person until we get to a point where the very thought of them makes me nauseous. And then I meet another guy... repeat. It's been that way sense high school. I'll love to believe there was some psychological problem going on that links all the way back to my nonexistent father. However, the reality is I'm slightly crazy yet sane enough to admit it. So I took this vacation from men, and other than I small relapse during a drunken night at a dorm part, I felt like I was actually getting somewhere.

I hope one day to have the romance I see in the movies. To have it just hit me, without the constant conscious reminder that I am not allowed to interact with the male because it is more than detrimental to my well-being, or maybe I'm just being dramatic.