Starting The Summer

Well hi. I realize I've been M.I.A. for the past 6 1/2 months but I'm back. I found myself watching an awkward marathon on MTV. It seriously shocks me just how much that show reminds me of myself, especially now. Well in short this summer has been the summer from hell. I blame myself and despite the fact that things have gotten better, it still sucks!

Here's an overview... school [cOlLeGe] has been kicking my butt this year. Academic probation led  me to being uncontrollably on the edge about literally everything. I wrote 2 papers with hints of plagiarism. The first time, I'm not gonna lie, I knew what I was doing. It was 5 AM. I was exhausted from organic chemistry and I had one more paragraph to B.S. but I honestly didn't think I'd get caught. That one blew over luckily. However, the second time--I swear to you--was a COMPLETE accident. That bit doesn't matter. I failed the class and didn't get the GPA I needed to get off probation. I'm not even sure I can explain to you how much it felt to see a 1.9999999 on my college records. It was a stab in the heart. I still can't take it. The water works were unbearable, I cried for days. I'm grateful for the friends who stepped up and showed that they cared though. What had I gotten myself into? I just kept thinking to myself, "This isn't supposed to happen to me." My ego crept up and I had not the strength to control it. I sound like a book. 

I was still on campus when I found this out and decided to go out with a bang from this oh, so epic school year that literally blew up in my face. What did I do? I partied with my friends and got drunk one last time before leaving the next day. Then the wait was on. I waited and freaked out. And waited. And freaked out. Then the letter finally came. I had been dismissed from Saint Mary's College. That day is a blur to me. I had no intentions of telling my grandma but of course that didn't work out. She found out within minutes of me finding out myself. Why? Because I can't cry in private. To make a long story longer... I sat out that Monday on what seemed to be a scavenger hunt. I went to Diane Fox [of course], the black student union at Notre Dame, Chris Cobb [the guy who gave me the grade], Zae Munn [the woman I can't stand], Susan Vanek [the bitch who dismissed me].. the list goes on. I somehow was able to construct and appeal. I wrote it, edited it, and sent it in. Now I'm back to waiting. 

In the mean time, I've found myself trying to capture that bit of freedom I had on campus. I've actually been able to hang out with friends... while at home! Imagine that!?!? Along with summer band and work, of course, I've been able to stay occupied this summer. I'm twenty years old. I actually feel that way without be rip-roaring drunk in some random kid's dorm room. Yes, this summer has been horrible but I feel... ok. Don't get me wrong, I'm praying to GOD that everything works and I can go back to SMC, but even if it doesn't I feel like everything will be ok. I guess I have to believe that this is all a part of some divine plan. That God had to break me so I can just stop and appreciate everything. Slowly but surely I'm picking up the pieces.