Jack in the Box

There are nights like tonight where I lie in bed and I think about him. I constantly find myself comparing him to that other guy from my past, much like I do with every guy. Me and Mark--that ship has sailed and last summer I finally accepted that. But with Jack, its different because the entire thing came out of nowhere at time where I called myself being in love with a guy who could never love me back.

 I remember being on tour with him and thinking how I didn't notice him at all. Yet he noticed me. He was the cool guy that all the girls loved but he noticed me. I thought about the first week back from tour, being at orchestra. I thought about the many times I saw him in LaFun, specifically the very first time where he gave me this delightful smile.

I thought about parties in the glee house especially the one after JPW. I thought about the orchestra concerts. I thought about Britten and Wicked. The list can go on and on. I only wish he saw me the way I saw him. I tried so hard to not develop any feelings for him but just trying to block it all from myself with mancation. I think the term "Jack-cation" would have better sufficed because the second I found myself falling I resorted to that feeling of wanting to avoid him. I keep thinking of that last time I was in love, I mean really in love.

Mark was my first and he broke me. I suppose I'm expecting Jack to do the same so my knee-jerk reaction is to push him away before has the chance. That doesn't help because he doesn't take no for an answer. I'm a sucker the eyes and my does he have the most gorgeous eyes. I fantasize. I'll admit that and at this point the entire situation with Jack has boiled down to nothing but a fantasy. I think its time I woke up.